Also never write in the first person unless you're writing a romance novel where lesbians get it on and you describe it... and you are one of them. That's just, from my personal experience, how it seems to always work.
your descriptive power is minimal, don't expect people to know what the phantasy star world is like; so describe it that way. It may be a fan fic so they should know, but that style of describing is what good description is.
look at it this way, I had to write a 1500 word description essay in my college writing class. I had to describe a white wall. describe the things in your story like you would of described that wall (not with all 1500 words, but if you had 1500 words each word must be extremely powerful)
You often use run on sentences. i dont judge grammar alot, but run on sentences cause a loss in powerful writing.
"It landed next to Naomi, knocking her off her feet, while I withdrew my sword."
It gets confusing to read this sentence. It's to jarbled. Short and concise sentences can still be powerful.
"The beast's powerful landing knocked Naomi from her feet. I instinctively drew my sword.
i wont bugger you one because you seem not to like me. But your writing is better then alot i have seen.