Seph Trilogy Part II: Attack of Red Slime Monster


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Here we are! The third fic I've written in my life. This one has most of the errors fixed. Fear my l33t Sixth grade, 12-year old writing skills! :lol:

Attack of The Red Slime Monster

Original Release - March 1999

Fixed Release - August 11, 2004

Revised Release - Coming Soon!

Dylan Schmidt

Attack of The Red Slime Monster

By Dylan Schmidt

"That's that." I said. We had just destroyed Sephiroth and he's not coming back at all. I put one of my old Pokemon tapes in the VCR and watched an episode.

"Hey Dylan, come here." said Cloud in the other room.

"Let me guess, you've made some new materia," I replied.

"No, just come here," he said. I went in and saw Cloud and Tifa looking at the window.

"What the heck is this slime stuff?" replied Tifa while she was studying it. I went out the door, and got in my car and drove down the street to Squall's house. Squall and Rinoa were taking a nap when I got there.

"Hey Squall, what's up?" I asked through the window. Squall sat up in bed. He didn't wake Rinoa, he just came over to the window.

"Dylan, what are you doing here?" You could've called." he said.

"Squall, Cloud and I need you." I said. Squall went to the other side of the bed and woke Rinoa. Squall, Rinoa, and I got in my car and drove back to my house. Squall, Rinoa, and I went to Cloud's room. Lita and Raye were there also.

"Where's Serena?" I asked as I walked in.

"Serena and Darien are in our room." replied Lita. Suddenly the window broke and the red slime covered the floor. I went and got Serena, Mina, and Amy.

"Girls, we need you." I said knocking on the door. Squall went back to his house to get his Gunblade. Cloud and I got our swords and went outside.

"Is it just me or is there a huge slime monster on the roof?" I asked. Squall came back and joined us. Inside the house we heard the scouts transforming.

"Moon Crystal Power!"

"Mars Star Power!"

"Mercury Star Power!"

"Jupiter Star Power!"

"Venus Star Power!"

The scouts transformed and came out to join us.

"Whatever these things are, they trying to destroy the house." said Squall.

"Mercury, can you do a computer scan?" I asked. For some reason, Sailor Venus pulled me close to her and kissed me.

"Venus, we're in a battle!" I cried. Save it for later!" I replied. "I've got it, the damage it endures is based on the element it absorbs. For example, if Cloud uses a water-based attack, the slime monster absorbs the water, and the slime turns into water. It's then weak against water and lightning." explained Amy. Cloud used Aqualung and the slime monster turned into water.

"Jupiter Thunderclap Zap!"

"Mars Celestial Fire Surround!"

"Dylan, Cloud, Squall? Your swords aren't affected by the slime monster, but don't use them too much. The slime monster will eat your swords, and the only way you can get them back is by letting the monster eat you," explained Amy. Squall hit the slime monster with his sword. The water turned back into slime.

"Moon Tiara Magic!" Sailor Moon's tiara hit the slime monster and the slime monster was destroyed.

"Where the hell did this thing come from?" I thought aloud. I got up out of the bed and started to walk towards the door. Raye opened the door and popped her head in.

"Dylan, may I talk to you?" asked Raye.

"What do you want to talk about?" I asked.

"Oh, nothing." she replied. She pushed me onto the bed. I tried to get up, but she pinned me down and kissed me. I pushed her off.

"What did you do that for?" I asked. Before she could react I grabbed her, threw her onto the bed, pinned her down, and kissed her. Lita popped her head in.

"Uh, I'd hate to interrupted your kissing session, but look out the window," she said.

"Holy..." I began.

I nearly went flying through the roof. The slime monster was watching us. I got my sword and ran out the door. All the windows were covered with the red slime.

"Our power sticks are covered with the red slime, so we're using our old ones." said Raye. "Ready?"

"Uh, Squall you are going to be in for a big surprise." I told him.

"Mars Power!"

"Mercury Power!"

"Venus Power!"

"Jupiter Power!"

"Moon Crystal Power!"

"Not much of a surprise." replied Squall.

The scouts, Cloud, Squall and I ran out the door.

I hit the slime with my sword. Cloud used Aqualung and the slime turned into water.

"Mars Fire..."

"Venus Crescent Beam..."

"Jupiter Thunder..."



"Crash!" A crescent beam surrounded by lightning and fire went flying at the slime monster. Squall hit the slime monster with his special move: the Renzokuken sword attack. He hit it four times.

"Mercury Ice Bubbles Freeze!" Amy froze the slime monster with her bubbles. "Mars Firebird Strike!" Raye hit the slime monster with her firebird. The slime monster shattered into five hundred pieces. The pieces turned back into slime. I hit the monster with my 2x-cut attack. Cloud used his 4x-cut attack against the monster. I used Wall to cut the amount of damage we took by half. I then used Aqualung on the monster. I then used Trine against the monster. "Jupiter Thunder!" An antenna came up from from her tiara, lightning came down and struck the antenna. The lightning surrounded her. "Dragon!" The lightning dragon hit the slime and did a ton of damage.

"Venus Meteor Shower!" Mina's crescent beam hit the slime surrounding it in a tornado of crescent beam. The slime disappeared.

We went back inside house. I got in bed and took a nap. I woke up about two hours later. I ate a bowl of cereal and plopped on the couch. I played some Final Fantasy VIII and Zelda 64, but it quickly got boring.

"Dylan, can I talk to you?" asked Tifa.

"Let me guess, you don't feel Cloud shows care for you right now?" I asked.

"How did you know?" she asked.

"Because, every time we have a big battle, like this one for example, we always talk about this, then we end up getting all romantic and stuff," I replied. Then she kissed me. I looked out the window and I saw something red come melting onto the window.

"It's baaack!" I shouted. Cloud, Squall, and I got our swords.

"Mars Star Power!"

"Venus Star Power!"

"Jupiter Star Power!"

"Mercury Star Power!"

"Scout Power!"

"Moon Crystal Power!"

"Whoa! This is not good!" said Cloud.

"The slime monster has transformed into eight different forms," replied Squall. "It's cloned all eight of us," replied Squall again. "One looks like me, one looks like Cloud, one looks like Dylan, and so on," said Squall.

"Jupiter Thunderclap Zap!" Sailor Jupiter's lightning had no effect. Cloud used Aqualung on Sailor Jupiter's Sailor Mars', and Sailor Venus's clones.

"Thanks Cloud!" they exclaimed.

"Fine by me Sailor Scouts, I'm taking you down once and for all," said the slime monster.

"You can try!" replied Lita.

"Jupiter Thunderclap Zap!"

"Mars Celestial Fire Surround!"

"Venus Love Chain Encircle!" Their clones were destroyed. Squall used his Renzokuken sword attack, and his clone was destroyed. Cloud and I used our most powerful attack: The Omnislash sword attack on our clones and destroyed them.

"Mars Celestial Fire Surround!" Mars's fire in Mercury's clone.

"Mercury Ice Storm Blast!" Mercury's clone was also destroyed. Soon the slime monster melted and was destroyed forever.

The End
"Mars Star Power!"

"Venus Star Power!"

"Jupiter Star Power!"

"Mercury Star Power!"

"Scout Power!"

"Moon Crystal Power!"

just a tip, when writing succesive quotes it becomes irritating to the readers subconcious to see long threads of dialogue like this. succesive commands can be shortened into a phrase like;

The sailor scouts commanded in succesion,"Mars star power; Venus star power; Jupiter star power....."

The characters speaking are assumed do to previous knowledge of the story. This then also allows the reader to be more comfortable. Its kind of like in school kids will look at a book and groan cause its 200 pages long.

Also quote strings that show up repeatedly in story can be reduced. The reader already has the image of the girls chanting in their mind. Repeating that chant later in a chapter will start to get redundant. Shorten this by describing the quote:

The sailor scouts chanted yet again; calling on the powers given to them by ******.

I don't know where they got there powers, and sailor scouts may not be the proper term, but hey im not really into them. I like Magic Knight Rayearth.

Also, for redundancy purposes, simple quotes can be made to feel like less a chore to read by not quoting them at all. Instead infer that this quote was said.

Real text: "Hey Dylan, come here." said Cloud in the other room.

this could be written as:

Cloud called for Dylan from the other room.

Or if you would like to keep the quote, refrain from the word 'said'. Try using something that matches the context of the dialogue. Such as in this scenario use the word 'asked'. Cloud is doing more then just talking; he's asking. Or you can even use the word 'demanded' to emphasize on the levity of the situation.

Now this isn't critique of your writing skill as a twelve year old. Its more or less tips on how to spruce it up because you are editing it.
I did a little retype of my own if you don't mind. It's only a little of the story though.

"That's that!" I just wasted Sephiroth to the point of no return. Some relaxation was due, so I popped an old copy of "Poke'mon" in the VCR. I was just about to lay back on the couch when Cloud called for me from the other room. "Let me guess, you've made some new materia!"

"No, just get in here!" Cloud seemed a bit urgent. I entered the room to find Cloud and Tifa examening the window.

"What the hell is this stuff?" Tifa questioned who ever could answer. I rushed out the door almost forgetting my car keys. I had to get to Squall's house fast.

At Squall's house I banged on the door, but he was taking a nap with Rinoa. I went to the window and called for him.

"What are you doing Dylan?" Squall slinkered over to the window rubbing his eyes, "You could've called."

"Squall, Cloud and I need you right now!" I was attempting to rush him, this was an emergency. It seemed like an eternity trying to get them in the car and back to my place. Squall, Rinoa and I rushed back into Cloud's room to find out that Lita and Raye have shown up also. That stood around the window gauking at the red ooze covering the window. "Where is Serena?" was the first thing out of my mouth.

"Darien and her are in our room." Lita answered just as the window burst allowing the red ooze in. It began to pool on the floor as I rushed to get Serena, Mina and Amy.
Dammit man!

You have analyze my work?


I never said I was re-writing any of 'em.

WHOA! I was just reading the little thing you did to the beginning of the story.

That fucking owns!
what do you expect a person who was fed english papers from day one to do. I analyze the fuck out of all writing. its also the cause of my horrible grammar when im typing and talking. Its kind of a form of rebellion against my mother. AHHHHHH, try doing weekly book reports in 4th grade. And not books like goosebumps or the babysitter club... the lowest reading level she'd allow was highschool level books like Fahrenheit 451 or AHHHHHH TO KILL A FUCKING MOCKINGBIRD... I HATE THAT BOOK.

oh and i said editing... not retype, your editing arent you... i did a retype.