How do you handle breaking up in a relationship?

[crystalmethod]

You know, not to be rude for anyone here cuz your advice is all VERY sound, but I find that all the cliche's make you feel worse. Why?

Because when your in the situation, I believe someone here already stated, emotion clouds judgement.

Its sad, but true. I know that there will be others but right now, I feel like I'm giving up something truly special.

Oh as a side note and a bit of an update, the reason she's saying all this crap to me is because....ready for this one?

She's scared that things will go right. Apparently, the last time she met someone that she felt right with like me, he ended it, broke her heart, and she's been in tatters since. Os then rather then risking herself and being with me, we're gonna be in a pseudo-relationship. No commitment, worries or headaches. Just fun....why I don't like this, I don't know, But I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I care about her so much.

Fuck this hearts....listen man I feel your pain...take from someone who's there right now....it hurts. Blow off some steam, and you'll start to think of things differently. Also, the less attention you pay to her, to more she might take an interest to you...just a thought.

 

[gameboy900]

racketboy

It a "intro to algorithms" class. Puer theory on designing, analysing (run time complexity and such) and other crap dealing with algorithms. Unfortunately for me I do better with more practical types of courses. Pure theory (and the fact that my calculus and other maths are a bit rusty) are not my strong points. I traditionally do poorly in courses like that.

Believe me I would love to ask a girl out, but to me rejection is a phobia. It's like I go into a panic attack if I'm ever in a situation where I feel I might have myself or my ideas rejected. I takes me a long time to muster courage to answer a question in class. And if I happen to get it wrong my fear kicks in and I stay quiet for the rest of the course. It's quite horrible actually, that feeling.

crystalmethod

You're right I hate the cliches too, because I've always heard them and feared them being used on me. Right now my emotions are in shambles, I get extreme mood swings. One moment I'm curled up in a ball crying my head off the next I'm beating the shit out of my wall in rage.

What really hurts is that I love her more than anything, even now. I mean I proposed to her, she didn't really say no outright but didn't say yes either. Even the though of someone else kissing her is like a hot piece of metal burning through my heart. Loneliness is horrible and everything that's happened to me in my life (I was bullied alot in school, which probably didn't help my already introverted personality one bit) has been a pain. It seems like everytime something good happens to me, it gets taken away for some reason and I end up feeling worse after then I did before. It's happened many times to me for different reasons. Everytime I climb out of my despair and gain something good, I get pushed down even further than I started.

 

[Quadriflax]

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

 

[tsumake]

Hey Gameboy,

I know how you feel. I don't have a lot of friends as well, and although I've never had a girlfriend, I have an incling of the feelings involved in such a relationship. Forgive me for being bold, but it seems like this girl was an answer to all your prayers. She was the one for you. I sometimes dream of meeting that one. But over the course of the year, I've been thinking of a lot of things:

1. The reason I don't have that many friends is that I simply haven't met anyone who really has similar interests. I love computer and video games, movies, books, comics and that's about it. I just haven't been at that right place and right time yet. That's all.

2. I used to think that there was just one person in the world for me. Then, as my self-confidence rose, new female prospects became available. Suddenly, all of these girls were "the one." I now believe in a kind of "fatalistic polygamy"; there are plenty of girls out there who are "the one", not just one.

3. Might sound trite, but you have to believe in yourself, no matter what. You are a living human being, goddamit. The world is at your fingertips - you have to assert yourself and rise to your standards. I don't know of your political orientation, but here's a link I'd like you to read:

http://www.harrybrowne.org/articles/GiftDaughter.htm

the guy's a libertarian, but the article is apolitical and I think apropos to the situation. Remember, you don't owe anyone anything and vice versa. Love is a mystical thing, but if one is not willing to give it, you cannot be expected to reciprocate. I'm not saying anything negative about your love, just that if she feels a need to separate, then let her. Again, I'm being too forward, but I think you believe that relationships are a rare occurence for you, and you feel that you've lost something big.

Listen: what did you get out of this relationship? You spent time with a beautiful person who connected with you on an intimate level. That you will never forget. But it was her decision to end it, and a couple's love cannot exist within just one person. If you believe in yourself, if you truly love yourself, then you will love another some day. I guarentee it. I guarentee it. I guarentee it. I guarentee it. I can't stress that fact. You'll love yourself so much that it will spill over into the street and splash everyone in the vicinity. And someone will dig that and gravitate. In the meantime , enjoy life. Me, I play computer games, watch movies, enjoying my life to the fullest I can, doing the things I really love. I guess I'm enjoying the bachelor's life. Life's too short to let these things bring you down. Hell, life's too short to let the Holocaust bring you down. But if you do, the abyss will take you. Don't ever stop loving yourself. When you had that knife at your wrist, you stopped loving yourself. Why? Because of her? No woman's worth that.

Look, it seems that you're afraid of being alone again. I know that feeling. I wrestled with it for so many years, until I realized that when you stand alone, you are free. And the next special girl will simply share that freedom with you. They say relationships are about sacrifice and commitment, but that's bull. Sure the outward appearance of those tenants do pop up now and again, but a truly happy relationship stems from the recognition of the individual. I have a friend who's a girl who I care for deeply. I can be totally honest with her and say anything I want and she listens, and vice versa. I personally consider her family. I don't know if we'll ever get in a relationship, but I love her anyway, not in a sexual sense, but a deep sense of compassion and connection. And if we separate, fine. I wish her the best. I care for her too much to cling against her will.

All right, I've said enough. This all comes from a hunch that you and I might be similar. If we are apples and oranges, d'oh! Please take anything you find useful.

BTW-- I take a supplement known as Sam-e. It's an all natural supplement that's supposed to help against depression. I'm not one for drugs, even anti-depressants, and I like this stuff- it simply replenishes missed nutrients and you back in equilibrium. Europeans have been taking it for decades. But if it doesn't help, by all means get a prescription. In the meantime, do something that you love to do and get away from this damn board (that is, of course, if this isn't one of your favorite past times. If it is, go to neo-geo.com. They have a war room section where they allow hentai and softcore porn :

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[Hollywood Hasney]

Casual sex helps... may sound fucked up but it does

Also, do not touch the alchahol, only amplifies problems (Unlike weed, but thats a completly different story)

Either that or just put yourself out there, they always seem like the perfect woman when you're in love, but then someone else comes along

*bitchslaps Bec.... loves Christie

*

 

[Karny]

Heya gb90... ltnc and all that.

I hurts me to see you this way, so much so that I'll try to lend a virtual hand by sharing some of my experiences with you.

I'm gonna have to keep this relatively short as I'm way behind deadline, but I'll definitely chat to you about this more in a little while...

My last relationship was with this girl called Nicole, she was the sister of a guy I used to play quake with and smoke weed with (I was a very heavy weed smoker at this point). I had met here a few years earlier and we'd been "phone-friends" for a while, but nothing more than that.

Anyway, we started going out and everything was perfect, in fact, for the start we both promised each other that we were perfect for each other. We were both pretty young and were both living with out respective parents. Hers in particular made things very challenging, but our love for each other was enough to overcome any problem.

In fact, our bond was so close, that was almost lost contact with all our other friends, because life was some much better in each other company. We also gave up the parts of our lives that didn't suit each other. I gave up drugs and she stopped drinking. This was probably the root of our problems.

Together we saved up and left South Africa and moved to England. It was a very bad move. I was only 19 and she was only 18 and we both found ourselves alone and helpless in a completely alien country. She was very emotional for a few days and was also unable to work (due to a massive oversite on our part) and as such spent most of here time sitting at home. During the 6 months that we were in England, I worked myself to the bone to try and support two people on a slave-labour type job, whilst she was forced to sit at home and hate every second of it. Eventually, she told me that she was going back to South Africa, with or without me... I was shocked... It was my life's dream to leave South Africa and to go to England, and now the one thing in my life that I was prepared to die for, wanted to leave the place I had been dying to go to. She said that I could stay and she'd go back to South Africa and we'd visit each other. She even said that we could get engaged.

It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I decided to give up my life-long dream, and return to SA with her.

Almost as soon as we got back I noticed a difference in her. She wasn't interested in doing things that we used to do and rather insisted on doing things she knew I hated (I'm a huge non-drinker). She was more interested in spending time with her friends (some of which fit very well in the "low-life" department). And she eventually landed up dumping me for a barman, on my 21st birthday.

Needless to say, I was heart broken. I cried for days, locked myself up and generally felt miserable about myself. I spent many months thinking about it and my anger towards the guy she dumped me for. I basically went into a rut.

Eventually (probably more than a year later), I forced myself to start looking elsewhere, and whilst it did take a very long time, I've managed to find myself a fantastic girlfriend.

We've been going out for just under 2 years now and have been living together for just under half of that. My new girlfriend will never be what Nicole was to me, and that's a blessing in many ways. She's more mature, more independent and in many ways more caring. A part of me will always love Nicole, she was always my first love, but the rest of me knows now that it was never meant to be and there is better love elsewhere.

I hope my rambles make some sort of sense, I'm sorry I couldn't dedicate the time to it that I think this subject deserves. Needless to say, I managed to overcome the loss of a 3 year relationship with a person who I loved in ways I didn't think that you could and I think I'm a better person from it. I hope I can take what I've learned from that relationship and make my future relationships even better.

I really hope you can do the same and I think you have a support network here that's more than willing to help you through anything!

 

[alpharogue]

I envy all of you who have posted on this topic and I wish I had the same experiences. I have not even had a relationship with anyone until after high school and the military. I simply buried myself in aesthetics such as music, video games, and books all of this time and never really LIVED. My 2 cents is going to be put out as well on this topic but from a totally different perspective but with similar feelings.

I knew this girl in high school who was the most beautiful creature I ever saw. She was Itallian-American, sexy, smart, and possessed a knack for understanding humanity to the fullest. I, of course, was not even given the time of day around her. Consider my archetype in school to be the nerd with glasses, but with no game whatsoever. I had no chance in hell with the girl. At the time, she had a boyfriend that was a champion wrestler and was built like a damn brick house. Something inside me though kept wanting to pursue her and she was on my mind constantly even through graduation into the military.

Later, after I left Misawa AB, Japan and settled in McGuire AFB, New Jersey, I decided to initiate contact with her through phone. I searched on the internet for her number and address and found it. I called her one Sunday and I actually was finally given the time of day for 2 hours!!! She knew who I was right away and we talked about where we have been, going, etc... We started, somewhat, a phone line relationship. Things were good for about 4 months and then I was due to exit the military and discharge in April of '98. I called her when I returned to my home of record where she was: Louisville, KY. Then the worst thing happened, she pushed me away when I wanted to go out on a date with her. I asked "Why?" and she said that she had to work constantly and that it won't ever work out. She then said "It's over. I can't do this anymore. I don't even know how you got my phone number in the first place; just don't call me anymore!" That was the last conversation we ever had. I was heartbroken for years after that and I hardly ever slept, etc.

Pieces of this event, even though it is quite trivial to anyone else's eyes, made me bitter and alone again. I learned one thing: Don't pursue any woman that is not of your caliber and psychology. You will only torture yourself in the end.

Now, she is a bartender working in Louisville, KY and has a bachelor degree in accounting. From doing some back door research, I have also found out that she is going out with a guy who is also a bartender. What the hell is it with bartenders??!!

 

[Quadriflax]

I hope you've read that page I linked above. I know it helped me once before. I know what you're going through, believe me. It might not be caused by the same thing, but I do know how you feel. And I've seen similar things happen to people I know. One thing you need to keep in mind is that she didn't mean to hurt you (as best I can tell). But also keep in mind that she's as confused as you are. She doesn't know what she wants. I don't think that's something you can hold against her. It's not something you did, or something she did. Like you she's just figuring things out.

I know that might not make you feel any better, but neither does hurting yourself. I've cut and burned myself before and it didn't make me feel better. What did make me feel better was talking about it. Once I realized I could talk to people I didn't feel the need to hurt myself any more. Don't go it alone, that's how things get worse. Writing here was a good start.

I hope you're feeling better by now. I really do. I hate to see people as upset as you. But just take hope in the fact that people have survied through it before; know that you're not alone. Best of luck to you.

I'm up for a road trip, anybody else? I'm itchin to get out of here.

What we need is an annual SX meeting. One huge orgy of Sega goodness. The only issue would be location since we're all over the place. Time for a sticky to debate a location and date!

 

[Nadius]

Originally posted by Quadriflax@Jan. 08 2003, 8:35 am

I'm up for a road trip, anybody else? I'm itchin to get out of here.

What we need is an annual SX meeting. One huge orgy of Sega goodness. The only issue would be location since we're all over the place. Time for a sticky to debate a location and date!

Yeah! SegaXCon!

 

[alpharogue]

Gameboy, I have been going to school for over 8 years now for a bachelor's degree in computer science as well. The horrible thing is that I cannot even pass my math classes nor my required science classes. Call me a "career student" if you will with no applied knowledge. I suck, but I know that I am at least trying. (Everybody Can Now Laugh... Man, I suck.)

The most important things in life take time to overcome especially when you are distracted by family, friends, and girlfriends.

As far as my luck with any relationships with women; forget it. I have no clue; I would be lucky if I ever had at least one girl that was interested in my scrawny ass! Nope, no girlfriends ever... I have what you would call "Techy Intelligence." In other words, I only know how to fix things since my experience in the USAF and what I taught myself about computers. That is all I have, but at least it is something. It is me and my uniqueness in this world that get me by. Be yourself and don't worry; things come together in time. Think about what makes you unique on planet Earth; that is what I do and I think to myself about how useful i can be to the human race. There were many times I thought about suicide because of a girl, but then I thought to myself: "My brother could not find his way without me since mom is gone. Also, he could not fix his car when it broke down." Things of that sort kept me here on Earth where I should be. So, there it is, be patient; the pain is the worst I know and I have felt it like no other when my mom died from HIV and my dad passed away. There is always hope; heck you are ONLY one class away from graduation!! Smile!!! :

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